Forgiveness means different things to different people. In general, it means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. It is an intentional decision and is a commitment to change those feelings ….. and it takes practice and sometimes it takes time.
Wherever you live, whatever religion you observe or even if you are a nonbeliever, chances are you celebrate a holiday this time of year. In most cultures, those celebrations encourage us to demonstrate generosity and love toward our fellow man.
I was brought up celebrating Christmas and look forward to the holiday and all the traditions that go along with it. My family decorates the Christmas tree and the house – inside and out. We shop for and give presents to family and friends. Our community, the schools, and places we work hold events to honor the season. It’s party time!
Last year I started what I hope will become a tradition – shopping for angel gifts with my grandchildren. We pile in the car and head to the local shopping mall where a non-profit has set up multiple Christmas trees with ornaments which contain a wish list from a needy child. Each one of my grandchildren selects someone their gender and close to their age. Then we go shopping!
The wishes range from toys to clothes to sports equipment and art supplies. Some of the items are beyond our price range but we try to make our money stretch as far as possible. The purchase selections are entirely my grandchild’s with only an occasional suggestion. I not only love the time we spend together, but also the care and delight my grandchildren show by making someone else’s holiday happy.
Even though I love it all, I find it easy to get overwhelmed with my Christmas “to do” list. The angel tree shopping trip reminds me that my focus is at fault. If my goal is to get things done, I feel frustrated and sometimes even angry. If my goal is to spread joy and love, then I feel happiness. Where I place my focus is the key.
I have been lucky to travel to many different parts of our world and experience cultures very different from my own. In each, without a doubt, there is a basic need to be loved and respected. We do that when we seek the best for others and the betterment of all human life. For some people it is easy to feel love for others but for most of us there are qualifications. Sometimes there are reasons for our feelings and sometimes not. We hold onto past hurts and anger.
So, what can each of us do to shed our anger and hurt feelings so that we can truly feel love – for ourselves and for others? We can forgive each other! Forgiveness is not easy and yet if we don’t forgive, it will tear us up inside – make us bitter and angry. It can stop us from connecting with other people and discovering their beauty. Likewise, it keeps others from experiencing our beauty.
How do we escape from our anger and hurt? The first step is to acknowledge it. Take some time to reflect on how we got to where we are now. I admit that it has taken years, in some cases, to get in touch with my underlying feelings. Talking about feelings was not something I grew up doing nor did I raise my family with open discussions about feelings. I can now see how that causes a person to feel unseen. It took a divorce, a move across the country, a great friend, and time for me to connect with myself. Lots of introspection!
Does that mean that I now do everything right? Heavens, no! Some habits are hard to break, and my mouth still talks before my brain thinks about what I am saying. When I do realize how my actions may have hurt someone, I try to address it asap. Although it is not easy, I also attempt to forgive myself and try to do better.
Open communication is a key to forgiveness. If we make an effort to address the issue – after enough time to calm down – and listen with a loving and open heart, it is likely that progress can be made. I know it is not easy to forgive, to make the effort to talk and listen, to admit that we have made mistakes, but the freedom that your heart experiences is so worth the effort.
Happy Holidays!
Beverly J Bowers, CFP®
